Crashing and Crashing
by beaucoup riant
Summary: She wants to hurt him. She wants to dig her fingers inside of him and she wants to leave marks, deep and fresh and lasting so that he could see them and remember her. Instead, her fingers tug at his face and she wants to breathe him in.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Inspired and honestly, from my own experience.

she holds onto the memories of earlier even as she sinks into the softness. files them away to be retrieved over and over again on lonely nights.

she is trapped and she wants to remain. she's trying to hold tightly onto the reins of her control but each touch kiss and movement startles her. he nips at her and it is like lightning in a storm. he does things to her that she hasn't felt before. she wants to cling and cling and she struggles not to hold onto him. she clutches the sheets, tries to find an anchor in the thin woven threads as his mouth speaks to her without ever forming a word. her eyes are open but they can not see. he slips his fingers and they curl and she lashes out a cry in the silence.

she loses the fight and finds his hands. she's gasping, struggling to breathe against this little death that is slowly but surely coming, she can see it. he keeps his eyes sheathed as he devours her but turns his hand around to grasp hers more firmly, sating her compulsive need. she's struggling, torn between shying away and pressing deeper. she wants to end the torture end but at the same time, the climb is so refreshing she wants to remain high in the sky.

she explodes when her mind strays, the little death slashing at her body. wanting to press away from the intensity as she shakes around him but can't escape his hold as he continues singing her a song. she can hear his jaw crack once or twice in his efforts and her heart races. and just as quickly as the first explosion goes off, another begins.

she wants to hurt him. she wants to dig her fingers inside of him and she wants to leave marks, deep and fresh and lasting so that he could see them and remember her. instead, her fingers tug at his face and she wants to breathe him in. that maddening second he takes to wipe away the applause of his song is too long and she kisses him deeply. she wants to taste him and he moans for once in her mouth. she wants to hear it again and again. wants to tear at his control and his needs. she wants to take and take because giving is a struggle when you are selfish.

she feels violent and she tries to quell it. she tries to distract herself from the violence brewing inside of her by pressing kisses to him, anywhere she could reach. they are heady and they are strained from the passionate flame growing stronger in her belly. he takes it away from her by slipping inside. she is shocked and there is so much pleasure she wants to explode again but finds there hasn't been enough height. he moves and she is so baffled that she loses herself in the torrent of sensation. so little control where she wants to gain and yet she is helpless. her mind whispers, it is not so bad to be so helpless so long as it's in his arms.

the pressure is suffocating. she can't remember if it ever felt like this before. and she crashes again in the tidal waves that he has brought. she feels nothing yet everything. his hips still moving, his arms by her side shaking in their struggle not to crush her with his weight, and his breathing by her ear like music. after her third quake, she is wondering why he's still in control. and her violence comes again. she wants his loss just as badly as she wanted to lose herself in him. and she tightens herself and her resolve. and in a few heartbeats, he explodes and he groans and he smiles. the happiness is the best and even when he crushes her, she feels the warmth.

and later, when he reaches for her and they curl together, she smiles with her face pressed against his heart. he said we wouldn't cuddle after and yet he has reached for her. his arms curls around her and his large hand settles by her ribcage and she finds herself fascinated by how warm his hand is. they are silent and they both listen to each other's breaths as they slow. and when he starts to snore, she waits and waits until there have been enough that his hand slacks in his hold of her. and she slips slowly out of his arms and warmth, careful not to jostle him too much. she keeps her eyes on his face, trying to memorize how he looks but knowing she is incapable of it.

and she dresses and slips away like a shadow when day comes. she looks back once to see him still and thinks of how lonely he must look with the space where she was void. and she briefly wonders, as she slips in her car and drives off, if he'll be saddened to not wake up to her.


	2. Chapter 2

she is the only consistent company he keeps. and the climb is always the same. it's teasing and light and full of her laughter.

his hands first loop around her waist, settling until his fingers can graze the hip bone that punctures out. he slowly shifts them both so that their sides are touching and he knows she becomes aware of his body close to hers. she can't resist him, as much as he can't resist her. he leans down and nips at her shoulder, taking care to never bite down too hard. the first and last time he pinched the skin too hard, her eyes shone with unshed tears. he spent the night making up for it despite her forgiveness. today and every moment after the first, she giggles and teasingly bites him back. he scolds her and she never takes him seriously. only smiles and bites again. this is the beginning of the slow seduction they'd partake. he takes care to never rush this part. the way her eyes light up tells him that this is her favorite part and he'd like to spoil her with this if he can. sometimes it is not as long as others but he knows that she appreciates any length.

next, he lays her down. sometimes, he rests his head on her body. she'll envelop him in her arms. he enjoys the comfort of her supple skin against his. others, he'll have her rest on him. he always takes care to ensure her comfort and that he can always reach a place to bite or kiss if he so pleases. later, when he wants to make the next step, he tickles her. she's not ticklish through traditional means. she is ticklish in an intimate way that ensures no one else could easily find it. this is his way of seeing if she'd accept the next step. when his lips brush against his ear and he breathes into the hollow of her ear, she giggles and shudders. that's his favorite. her eyes hold mischief when they look at him.

they kiss, it always starts slow. he prods to see if she'd want more. sometimes, she becomes shy and he coaxes her out with more kisses. he'll hold her hand or her head and deepen them. when he feels her relax into his hold, he knows she's okay. he always seduces her slowly, teasing her by fingering the edge of her clothes or her intimate places. when she wriggles closer, he slips his hands under.

when he slips into her later, he always takes the time to ask if she's okay. when she smiles, he knows to continue. he always makes her come first because seeing her come off swells his pride. when they finish, he holds her because she likes it. she gives him a sleepy smile and they talk. they go silent and slip away into sleep.

it isn't the same with other girls. he doesn't slowly flirt and seduce. he just does. and somehow, it doesn't feel the same. the moans don't sound the same but they are still enjoyable. their mouths don't kiss the way he wants them to. and their lips don't go down the way he's told her. he just wants to take and take and maybe that's why it doesn't feel as right. he finds that they're not limber enough to handle what he wants. and when they finish, she doesn't curl into him. he feels lost. "i like listening to your heart beat" her voice whispers through his mind. he ignores it and reaches for this girl and curls onto her. when she doesnt object, he stays. still, their limbs don't fall into place. he doesn't want to move too much in case he jostles her and annoys this girl.

he wonders if the constant of him wanting her and her constant acceptance of his want and usage means he'd someday fall for her. he takes comfort in that she'd always be around but he also wonder if she would want more. he feels a little fearful but he can't tell if it's because she'd want more from him or because he wants her to want more.

but he remembers what she said to him: you made me promise not to like you. i'm going to keep that promise. and he knows she keeps it because it makes him more comfortable. he knows she'd make the friendship work however she can, for that, he continues to make the effort to be her friend the way he imagines she'd like.

maybe someday, when he can gather the courage, he'd like to retract his promise. for now, as he shifts through the night, he fights not to text her. he doesn't want to want her when he's had someone else. he doesn't have to tell her but he does this because he respects her. they never made agreements to this arrangement but he thinks it is unspoken that he doesn't go to when he's had another for the night. there are many unspoken things between them about this arrangement but he'd like to keep it so that she can't become hurt. he doesn't want to be an asshole because she's so genuine in her friendship, despite using each other's bodies. so he slips into sleep and mentally makes plans in his head for the next time he can be with her.

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**Author's notes: **It's prose format, hence why there's not a lot of capitalization. I feel like in that kind of method, it captures the feelings better. You can interpret it any way you'd like. Enjoy!


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